I’m getting ready to go on my first archery hunt for Elk. I have hunted Elk with a rifle for more than two decades and went into this new adventure thinking I knew all there was to know about hunting Elk. I even packed early. You can’t imagine how proud I was of myself when I looked down and managed to get everything into two suitcases. I even called my husband in to show him. Then my husband, the Bow Hunting Maestro, went through my luggage. As he ripped clothes out of my bags, I heard him mutter things like, “You can’t have your hunting clothes with your running clothes”, something about washing something in scent free detergent and that smelly lavender lotion I bought last year from Victoria’s Secret….
I could tell this was going to be nothing like what I was used to. As my husband explained to me what I needed to do, I realized this was going to be far more complicated than I thought. When I hunted with a rifle, my average shot at an elk was over 300 yards. Just about every time I have ever shot at an Elk, I had to drop my coffee cup and a jelly doughnut to take aim. Then there’s the fact that I stunk so bad from wearing the same clothes for a week, I would have never gotten a shot closer than 200 yards if I wanted to. I could tell that bow hunting was going to be different.
I don’t think men realize how difficult it is for a woman to become “scent free”. At first it seemed easy as I separated my hunting clothes from what I would wear up there and what I would run in. I put all the camouflage in the washer with scent free soap. I normally don’t run when I go hunting, but because I’m training for a marathon, I have to run this trip. I grabbed two extra suitcases from above the garage and put my running clothes in one and my camp clothes in another. I reserved the big bag for my hunting clothes that my husband sprayed with scent free spray and I washed with scent free detergent. All was going well… for a moment. As I was lifting up my suitcase, my toiletry bag fell out. I thought my husband stubbed his toe by the look on his face. He told me I didn’t need that bag because we would wash our hair with scent free shampoo and our bodies with scent free soap.
Whoa, now baby, I love you, but there are some things a woman just can’t do. I can’t wash my hair with scent free shampoo because it will strip the color. Also, that long hair you love so much, it has to have conditioner applied or I’ll look like Bob Marley. When I asked him if he had scent free conditioner, he didn’t know how to respond. I guess those big boys down at Wildlife Research Center didn’t think of that one. I told him I’d wash my body with the soap, but if he wants that skin to stay soft like he likes it, then I need to apply lotion after I shower. Then there’s the fact that we are video taping the hunt. I gotta have some make up on if there’s going to be a video camera in my face. I’m 37 years old after all. I let him smell the make up and by the way he turned up his nose, I could tell he didn’t consider it bow hunting friendly. Then there’s the satchel with perfume I keep in my intimates drawer that even scent free soap can’t get rid of.
“Stop!!! Stop!!” My husband finally shouted. The last words out of his mouth as he left the room was, “I’ll just spray you with doe estrous”. Well now, that’s more like it. If a doe likes the smell, then I think we’re getting somewhere.